I'm in a Christian sorority called Sigma Phi Lambda, and we had our Spring 2010 retreat this weekend. We stayed at Ceta Canyon in Amarillo, and it was just mind-blowingly gorgeous. And the weather was perfect, so we did a lot of hiking and hanging out outside in the sun.
We had a speaker at retreat named Toby, and she was such a wonderful lady; I really enjoyed her talks a lot. She talked a lot about identity, and finding your identity in Christ instead of letting your peers tell you who you are. I thought that was so fitting because that's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, I guess just because I'm in college, so this is supposed to be a critical time in my life for "finding out who I am."
I used to spend a lot of time thinking about who I am and what I'm all about when I first came to Tech, and I've found that I don't honestly do that as much anymore. I'm a little afraid that a part of that is because I don't really like myself as much as I used to, which is probably a pretty common experience. I think life makes us all a little rougher and tougher, and it's hard to stay innocent for long. I used to be very naive, and I really liked that about myself because I was always happy. I was a people-pleaser, a server and a giver. But, unfortunately, I also had no backbone, which was fine at the time because I didn't really need one. And then I went off to college.
My first semester at Tech was pretty great. I made a lot of awesome friends. I got connected in Phi Lamb and found a church home. I had just broken up with my highschool boyfriend the summer before, which was all around a very good thing. But in the aftermath of that relationship, I was pretty much a mess. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted because I was used to him telling me those things. But that first semester, I really started becoming my own individual and growing a lot as a person and as well as in my walk with Jesus.
My second semester was a lot harder, though. A lot of really hard stuff happened all at once, and I'm not going to lie, it wasn't too fun because some of it really sucked. But God is faithful and He really showed up in my life in a big way. That semester, I began to really lean on Him and open up my heart to Him. Through a Bible study I was in with some friends, He began to show me how cleansing and healing His love for me is. He helped me let go of some things that I was bitter about and he healed my heart in so many ways. He also proved to me that He will always be there for me no matter what happens in my life, and that was such a huge revalation for me because it marked a very important turning point in my life.
My third and fourth semesters at Tech (last semester and this current semester), have been very different from my first year because everything started going really well again, and it's pretty much been smooth sailing. A huge blessing is that I've determined that I want to pursue a journalism degree and I have completely fallen in love with every aspect of journalism. But, it was last semester that I began to realize I had changed a lot as a person. The most obvious change was that I'm not quiet anymore, ever. I've become a lot more opinionated and much more vocal about my opinions. I am also a lot stronger, which is both a blessing and a curse. It really is a blessing, but I'm a little bitter about the fact that I should have to be strong at all. I never really wanted to be independent or strong because the little girl in me has always wanted someone to be there to take care of me. And while I believe the core of me is still a people-pleaser, God has taught me how to be strong, and how to stand up for myself and say no.
In some ways, I feel like I have changed so much that it's hard for me to say who I am anymore. But I've actually stopped trying to analyze myself, because honestly I'm not really sure if it matters. All I know is that God is constantly changing me and growing me. And, yeah, I was a little sad that day when I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time realized that I am not a little girl anymore, but God is God and He says that He knows what He's doing. And of all the things I've learned in college, by far the most important thing is that God is real, and He loves me. So yeah... I guess that's all I've got for now.
Peace out.
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