Sometimes
brittanydanielle
Sometimes I do nothing, say nothing
To no one.
I want to be nothing –
To have no home.
Then others, to say everything, to be someone’s someone –
A small space in time,
I can claim as my own.
I merge with the crowd,
Fighting all regulation.
Soon – with no destination –
We’ll fly free and strong.
I’m fighting a war I’m not sure I believe in,
And winning at losing.
Of that, I am sure.
My life – like the wind –
Has no rhyme or reason.
I shift at my will, and I go as I please.
At times, I bring warmth, clear skies and seasons,
At others, I’m turmoil,
Bringing storms from the seas.
I went shopping the other day for a suit. Yeah, haha, a suit. Holy. Cows. No lie, I thought I was going to have a panic attack in the dressing room. No amount of schooling could ever prepare you for that moment. In fact, no one even warns you about it. Or at least, no one warned me. It's still all so crazy to me. When I put it on, it feels like stepping out of myself and into an adult's body. I don't feel like myself in it yet, but it's weird knowing that when other people see me they don't know I don't feel like myself. But I am myself, just another part of myself I've never been before. It's a new part of me that I haven't discovered yet; it's waiting to be discovered, grown into. Although, I have to ask: why black? Why are colors like black, grey and brown the official mark of adulthood? At what point does the world snuff vibrant colors out of your life? I mean, what is black? Black is the absence of color, it's darkness, it's death, it's a void. Happy thought, I know. Haha, maybe I can just stay in college forever?
Alright enough of that. I have mixed feelings about graduating actually. I'm really nervous and really excited all at once. I'm nervous for the reason mentioned above, and I'm also nervous about the responsibilities that come with being an adult. But I'm really excited about journalism, and finally getting to do what I've been learning. Everyone keeps asking me where I want to go after I graduate. I like the idea of getting out of Texas for a while. I love Texas and really hope to come back here eventually, but I just feel like I need to live somewhere else. The world's a huge and fascinating place; it'd be a shame for me not to get to see some of it. And when will I ever have this chance again? Out-of-state, out-0f-country; I'm up for anything at this point. A little adventure sounds fun to me.
I've really been craving adventure lately. Some days I just want to drop everything and go find my adventure, where ever, whatever it may be. I want to be completely reckless and irresponsible. I want to experience things, do things, try things I've never tried before. The problem is I get all of these crazy ideas of all these adventurous things I want to do, and I don't know what I'm actually supposed to do, so I don't do any of it. I keep asking God what He wants me from me; I'm here, I'm ready, I'm waiting. But I guess I just have to keep trusting. I know He has something for me, just around the corner, I just don't know what it is yet. And in a way, it's almost fun not knowing. It's like putting on a blindfold and telling God, "Surprise me."
