True Confessions from an Adult-In-Training

Sometimes
brittanydanielle

Sometimes I do nothing, say nothing
To no one.
I want to be nothing –
To have no home.
Then others, to say everything, to be someone’s someone –
A small space in time,
I can claim as my own.

I merge with the crowd,
Fighting all regulation.
Soon – with no destination –
We’ll fly free and strong.
I’m fighting a war I’m not sure I believe in,
And winning at losing.
Of that, I am sure.

My life – like the wind –
Has no rhyme or reason.
I shift at my will, and I go as I please.
At times, I bring warmth, clear skies and seasons,
At others, I’m turmoil,
Bringing storms from the seas.


I went shopping the other day for a suit. Yeah, haha, a suit. Holy. Cows. No lie, I thought I was going to have a panic attack in the dressing room. No amount of schooling could ever prepare you for that moment. In fact, no one even warns you about it. Or at least, no one warned me. It's still all so crazy to me. When I put it on, it feels like stepping out of myself and into an adult's body. I don't feel like myself in it yet, but it's weird knowing that when other people see me they don't know I don't feel like myself. But I am myself, just another part of myself I've never been before. It's a new part of me that I haven't discovered yet; it's waiting to be discovered, grown into. Although, I have to ask: why black? Why are colors like black, grey and brown the official mark of adulthood? At what point does the world snuff vibrant colors out of your life? I mean, what is black? Black is the absence of color, it's darkness, it's death, it's a void. Happy thought, I know. Haha, maybe I can just stay in college forever?

Alright enough of that. I have mixed feelings about graduating actually. I'm really nervous and really excited all at once. I'm nervous for the reason mentioned above, and I'm also nervous about the responsibilities that come with being an adult. But I'm really excited about journalism, and finally getting to do what I've been learning. Everyone keeps asking me where I want to go after I graduate. I like the idea of getting out of Texas for a while. I love Texas and really hope to come back here eventually, but I just feel like I need to live somewhere else. The world's a huge and fascinating place; it'd be a shame for me not to get to see some of it. And when will I ever have this chance again? Out-of-state, out-0f-country; I'm up for anything at this point. A little adventure sounds fun to me.

I've really been craving adventure lately. Some days I just want to drop everything and go find my adventure, where ever, whatever it may be. I want to be completely reckless and irresponsible. I want to experience things, do things, try things I've never tried before. The problem is I get all of these crazy ideas of all these adventurous things I want to do, and I don't know what I'm actually supposed to do, so I don't do any of it. I keep asking God what He wants me from me; I'm here, I'm ready, I'm waiting. But I guess I just have to keep trusting. I know He has something for me, just around the corner, I just don't know what it is yet. And in a way, it's almost fun not knowing. It's like putting on a blindfold and telling God, "Surprise me."

Captured Summer Moments

Happy 4th :)

I had a lovely 4th of July weekend at home with my family. It's always so nice to be able to go home and relax for a little while. These are some pictures I snapped of Elle, my adorable little neice.

Texas Storm

The storm’s fightin’ mad,
Like an ill tempered beast.
Baby, here comes the rain,
So let down your hair.
Let yourself feel,
Feel the vibration of his grumbling heat.
Sway your hips to the tempo,
Of his rumbling beat.

The deafening silence,
Echoes loud in your ears.
Baby, here comes the rain.
Curl your fingers, your toes.
Let yourself be,
Let yourself revel in your surmounting fears.
Let the rain kiss away,
And mix with your tears.

The wind coils its fingers,
Through every inch of your hair.
Baby, here comes the rain,
So let yourself go.
Let yourself feel,
Soak in the power of his threatening stare.
Then throw your face to the wind,
And laugh in his glare.

Sleepless in Lubbock

I've become a bit of an insomniac lately, and it's driving me nuts. I can't sleep at night, and I have no idea why. I'll just lie in bed exhausted all night but never be able to fall asleep. I'm pretty sure it's because I think too much when I'm trying to go to sleep, but I can't seem to shut my brain off. I've started memorizing Bible verses while I'm trying to sleep, because I've found that if I focus on the same thing it'll help. So if I say the verse in my head over and over sometimes that will lull me to sleep. But unfortunately that's not always a guarantee.
Also, I try really hard not to nap during the day so that I'll be tired by bedtime, but I've found that it's really hard not to fall asleep during the day when I'm not sleeping at night. So most days I end up falling asleep for a couple hours when I'm doing homework. And it's weird, because I never seem to have trouble napping? Maybe I should just start sleeping during the day and doing homework at night, haha. If only my class schedule could somehow fit into that plan.
Most nights I can't even fall asleep until 3 or 4, and then when I do I'll just kind of randomly doze off for an hour or two and then lay awake until my alarm goes off at 8. My roommate has some sleeping pills that I've been really reluctant to try, but it's getting to that point where I'll do just about anything for a good nights sleep. Reallly, if someone told me to hang my head off the bed and let all the blood rush to my brain, if that would make me sleep, I might try it. So anyways, that's all the whining I have for today :) ttyl!

Home sweet home...

You know, there's something about being home, even if it's just for a week, that brings out the best in me. I think it's because it reminds me of being younger. We always had so much fun around here. Lots of memories :) And it's just the same as it always is, really peaceful and relaxing. And it's just so beautiful out here. Plus, the weather's been really nice for the most part -- sunny and gorgeous -- although I do still have to pull out my jacket in the evenings. I haven't actually done that much writing, but I'm going to have to get on that soon, cuz I have a lot of stuff due right after I get back to Lubbock.

I was in the mood for some baking yesterday, so I made us a cake. It's called a chocolate almond upside-down cake...

Those are the almonds. I had to "slightly toast" them... and I'm not really sure exactly what that means, so I just improvised, haha. They actually go on top, but you have make the topping first and put it in the bottom of the pan.

And then this is the batter, and you make that all up and then pour that on top of the almond-caramel topping and then bake it and flip it over on a plate.

And then this is what you get at the end :) A little piece fell off when I flipped it, but you can't see it in the picture, haha. Besides it still tasted yummy. I was pretty pleased with the outcome actually. The cake part is really fluffy and yummy, and then the topping is kind of like a caramel-almond candy.

We still have quite a bit left over, so I have a feeling we'll be having cake for dessert tonight as well.

Also... :) Meet Sunny! The newest [very large and fluffy] addition to my life.

My brother got her for me :)

Around Valentine's Day I was a little down. Don't judge, okay, yes, I'm a total girl. So I called my mom really upset one day and I guess he heard about it, so he bought me this big, huge bear and made me a sweet little note, and left her on my bed. And she was the first thing I saw when I walked in my room last Friday. Totally made my week. But that's why I love my brother :) Well, not because he buys me big stuffed bears, but because he so thoughtful and knows me well enough to know exactly what's going to make me feel better. I've been lugging her around all week, and I wish I could take her back to Lubbock with me but I'm afraid there's not really room for her in my little ol' dorm room. Maybe when I move into the apartments next year she can come stay with me :) Anyways, I've named her Sunny, and I love her.

Spring Break with Baby :)

I'm home for Spring Break right now and it's been wonderful :) I've mostly just been relaxing... sleeping in late, reading and writing, going on walks, and hanging out around the house.
Today my sister Chrissa came over and brought baby Elle with her :)

Pear Blossoms....

These are close-ups off the pear trees that are in bloom right now in our front yard. They smell delicious, and some of them have little bee or little ladybug friends on them. Enjoy :)

Look at the two busy little bees hard at work :)

I think these next two are my favorites...

And I like this one of the bee also. The bee shots were hard to get because, in case you didn't know, bees do not like to have their picture taken -- very camera shy -- so they moved around a lot. But I thought this one turned out nicely :)

Retreating...

Romans 9:21 - "Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for nobel purposes and some for common use?"

I'm in a Christian sorority called Sigma Phi Lambda, and we had our Spring 2010 retreat this weekend. We stayed at Ceta Canyon in Amarillo, and it was just mind-blowingly gorgeous. And the weather was perfect, so we did a lot of hiking and hanging out outside in the sun.

We had a speaker at retreat named Toby, and she was such a wonderful lady; I really enjoyed her talks a lot. She talked a lot about identity, and finding your identity in Christ instead of letting your peers tell you who you are. I thought that was so fitting because that's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, I guess just because I'm in college, so this is supposed to be a critical time in my life for "finding out who I am."

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about who I am and what I'm all about when I first came to Tech, and I've found that I don't honestly do that as much anymore. I'm a little afraid that a part of that is because I don't really like myself as much as I used to, which is probably a pretty common experience. I think life makes us all a little rougher and tougher, and it's hard to stay innocent for long. I used to be very naive, and I really liked that about myself because I was always happy. I was a people-pleaser, a server and a giver. But, unfortunately, I also had no backbone, which was fine at the time because I didn't really need one. And then I went off to college.

My first semester at Tech was pretty great. I made a lot of awesome friends. I got connected in Phi Lamb and found a church home. I had just broken up with my highschool boyfriend the summer before, which was all around a very good thing. But in the aftermath of that relationship, I was pretty much a mess. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted because I was used to him telling me those things. But that first semester, I really started becoming my own individual and growing a lot as a person and as well as in my walk with Jesus.

My second semester was a lot harder, though. A lot of really hard stuff happened all at once, and I'm not going to lie, it wasn't too fun because some of it really sucked. But God is faithful and He really showed up in my life in a big way. That semester, I began to really lean on Him and open up my heart to Him. Through a Bible study I was in with some friends, He began to show me how cleansing and healing His love for me is. He helped me let go of some things that I was bitter about and he healed my heart in so many ways. He also proved to me that He will always be there for me no matter what happens in my life, and that was such a huge revalation for me because it marked a very important turning point in my life.

My third and fourth semesters at Tech (last semester and this current semester), have been very different from my first year because everything started going really well again, and it's pretty much been smooth sailing. A huge blessing is that I've determined that I want to pursue a journalism degree and I have completely fallen in love with every aspect of journalism. But, it was last semester that I began to realize I had changed a lot as a person. The most obvious change was that I'm not quiet anymore, ever. I've become a lot more opinionated and much more vocal about my opinions. I am also a lot stronger, which is both a blessing and a curse. It really is a blessing, but I'm a little bitter about the fact that I should have to be strong at all. I never really wanted to be independent or strong because the little girl in me has always wanted someone to be there to take care of me. And while I believe the core of me is still a people-pleaser, God has taught me how to be strong, and how to stand up for myself and say no.

In some ways, I feel like I have changed so much that it's hard for me to say who I am anymore. But I've actually stopped trying to analyze myself, because honestly I'm not really sure if it matters. All I know is that God is constantly changing me and growing me. And, yeah, I was a little sad that day when I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time realized that I am not a little girl anymore, but God is God and He says that He knows what He's doing. And of all the things I've learned in college, by far the most important thing is that God is real, and He loves me. So yeah... I guess that's all I've got for now.

Peace out.

Day One: Texas Tech feels like one, long church camp.

Jeremiah 29:15 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

I remember when I was a kid, me and my cousin set up an "office" in my sisters walk-in closet. We used a fold-out card table as the desk, and we had a phone and a calculator and we threw some blank printer paper on the table to make it feel legit. And we had this awesome old typewriter that my mom had used in college. It didn't have any ink, but it would still click and ding, and when you're a kid, that kind of stuff just rocks your socks off.
I think when you're a kid, you like imaginary games like that because it makes you feel like an adult. You lock yourself away in a closet or attic and for a few hours you're all grown up.

I feel like college is a little like that. Sometimes it feels like we're all playing at being adults. And I'm not really talking about finances, because some college students are paying their own way through college, and are already supporting themselves. I'm more talking about spirituality; especially in Lubbock. And don't get me wrong, I love Lubbock. But sometimes I feel like I'm too immersed in this conservative West Texas lifestyle.
For the most part, it's great for right now because it's easy to be a Christian in a town where there are three churches on every corner. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like Texas Tech is just one long church camp.
And I've talked with some of my friends about that, and most of them disagree with that statement; they don't feel like Tech is a church camp. They feel like this is the "real world." And yeah, in some ways it is. But then I think about how many church-things I do every week. Last semester, for example: Sundays, I went to church, lifegroup, and then a Bible study. Monday night, I went to my Christian sorority's chaper meeting. Tuesday night, I participated in "Trash Tuesday" through First Baptist in Lubbock. Wednesday night, I was in a girls Bible study with some of my friends. Thursday night is Paradigm (like youth group for college students). And Friday and Saturday I would more than likely hang out with some of my Christian friends, and we have nice, long "God-talks."
And yeah, I could have gotten into the "wrong crowd" if I'd wanted to, because Tech is a secular school, and there's plenty of partying going on. And maybe my problem is that I'm too stuck in my Christian bubble to really be feeling the heat when it comes to living out my walk. But I feel like it's so easy to be a Christian here, that sometimes I worry about what it's going to be like when I do go out into the "real world."
I mean, it's easy to stand up for myself or be vocal about what I believe when I'm in the majority. Plus, for the most part, everyone I know believes the same things I do. Or at least we have the same foundation, so when we disagree on things, we usually just have debates based on a Biblical foundation.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I worry sometimes about actually being an adult. I've been trying to use the time that I have in college to build a firm Biblical foundation that I can stand on when I leave here. And I know that God is faithful, and He'll always be there to strengthen me and encourage me no matter what the circumstances. But I still worry about the future sometimes. Especially since I'm single and have told God I'll stay single for as long as He wants me to be (which hopefully isn't too long, not going to lie). I think that just adds to my worry, because I may not have that other person to lean on when I leave here.
And I guess I could stay tucked away in the Bible Belt of Texas for the rest of my life, but something tells me that's not what God has for me.

So, I guess for now, I'll just have to continue to trust Him. After all, He's God. I love that I can rest peacefully in with the knowledge that I don't have to know everything that's going on or going to happen in my life. Because God does know, and I know God (or at least as well as I can), and He knows me, and He's got my back. He knows and loves me better than I could every know or love myself. And that's a promise.

G'night friends. Sweet dreams to all.

I randomly decided today that I'm going to change the direction of my blog. And since it is after all my blog, than I guess I have the right to do that.

One, I'm going to actually let people know that this blog exists (via facebook, of course).

Two, I'm going to actually start posting things here. As in, things other than poetry and pictures. Although I'm sure I'll still put that stuff up, too.

So essentially what I'm saying is: this blog is about to become yet another self-centered, narcissistic, whine-fest, drowning in a sea of like-minded, egotistical teens and young people, who like to believe that people actually care to read all our whiney rambling and blubbering. Yes, friends, I am now one of those people. A full-fledged blogger.


Oh yes. And three, I should also say that I am perfectly aware that my nickname is not really "Bri." Or at least it never has been before. I've been Britt, B, Boo, and Brittany. But never Bri. But I really like "Bri Darling" for the blog. So I've decided I'm going to keep it as a sort of alias or pseudonym. You know, like a pen name. So yeah... deal with it.

Alrighty, that's all.

To the angel who taught me to fly.

The reins in my right hand and a fist full of mane in the other.
I laugh, and I feel you laugh with me.
Soft denim fabric is the only thing that separates us;
Beneath my legs I feel the ripple of your powerful muscles,
As though they are my own –
The beat of your footfall’s steady like a metronome,
Guiding the tempo of my thoughts.
The wind tugs at our hair like a fitful child;
It whips passed us –
Shouting nonsense in our ears, which we don’t understand.
I sway to the rhythm of your powerful strides;
I’m a vessel rocked in the waves of your sea,
Covered in the salty, foam of your sweat.
Freedom is ours.
Our gaze is forward, looking always towards the future.
Our heartbeats sing together in harmony,
Ever steady –
To the beat of your hooves pounding the earth.
Freedom is ours.

It was insanely foggy the other night at around midnight. I was feeling creative and wanted to try out some night-photography techniques I had recently learned. So my dad -- being the good sport that he is -- got his spotlight out, and I got my camera out, and we tromped about in the backyard taking picture until all hours of the night.

The picture above is my favorite. That's our dock in the fog, and the lights are from the neighbor's house across the way. I left this picture just the way it was [no photoshopping], because I liked the natural outcome so much. I have some more as well that I might add later.