I sit on my bedroom floor, staring at the boxes and the chaos that will soon be packed neatly into them. I wish I could compartmentalize myself like that. This is the happy memories box, and this is my cry box, this is the scary-angry-things-go-here box – it may seem small, but don’t be deceived. But no, I’d say my heart looks more like the chaos that’s strewn about my room, hanging from my bed, piled in the corners. When I came off to school, I think I was searching for stability – something solid I could depend on. But stability just wasn’t in the cards for me. Today the same boxes are out, waiting to be filled with all my most precious belongings, and in a few years they’ll most likely be sitting in a similar state on the floor of my new “home.” A part of me likes it this way – the restless part of me that craves adventure. But another part of me is exhausted, and just wants rest. We never want what we have, do we? At least I know I don’t. Maybe that’s because I don’t really know what I want. Or maybe I do, but I don’t know where to find it – so I keep searching.
I think I’ll miss this room the most. The people who came and went from this room – they felt the most like home to me. I certainly never missed Chitwood. And Knapp, even though it was comfortable, it always felt temporary. But this room, I put too much of myself into this room not to miss it. The amateur artwork and photography on the walls – it all goes into the boxes. Ready to go. But to where?
I told God: I’ll go where He wants me to go, and I’ll do what He wants me to do. But how do I know what that is? Everybody has a different answer, a different way of “hearing” God’s voice. Some people say, just take a step of faith and trust that God will make it happen. Some say, go wherever the open door is. Some say, don’t trust your feelings; go where God leads you. But where is God leading me?
This room, it reminds me of yellow. The memories I have here – they all seem to be cast in a honey-colored hue. Wherever I go next, wherever God takes me, I hope it feels yellow, too.
