A Moment of Distrust

I'm going home next weekend, which makes me absolutely ecstatic for a number of reasons. First of all, I get to finally meet the newest addition to my family. Second, I get to see a good friend of mine who I miss so, so much. And third, I just get to be home. I get to be with the people who love me the most for four whole days. Just the thought makes me cry.  

I think I've mentioned that I've been really, really homesick lately. In all honesty, I don't know if I'm homesick or just being a baby. Probably both.

It just dawned on me recently that I can never really go back. I can go home for a long weekend, or I can even move back to my hometown if I want to, but that's as close to going back as I can get. I guess, for the first time, I realized I have to be an adult for the rest of my life. The simplicity of childhood is over, forever. And forever is a really long time.

I have a great life, too. I have a great job, doing what I love with people I enjoy. I live in a Christian Utopia where there are three churches on every corner. I have deep friendships with people all over the state. I have a family that is always there to love and support me. I have everything I could ever want or need.

...So why do I feel like something is missing? Something big. Something important.

I don't know what God is doing in my heart right now, but it feels like complete chaos. He's asking me to trust Him, and I keep saying, "Of course I trust You. You know I trust You," but for some reason that feels like a lie, and I don't know why. I trust Him. I do... Don't I?

I've given every part of my life to Him. If He told me to walk out of my office, get in the car and drive, I would do it. If He told me to stay, I would do it. I just wish He would tell me something. I'm at a point of total surrender, waiting for Him to tell me what He wants... and nothing. Just, "Trust me."